25
08
15

unmatched in place. name and name are-

no, women should hit on men
and men should pursue cute partners

women don't have anything to be afraid of anymore
and men don't have to worry about limits

women can just transparently communicate
and men only have to interpret it literally

women must take advantage of their appearance
and men can simply sit back and pick

kill me- i'm running past bar tables and jail bars.

tonight name asked me to make sure i leave by sunday. good fuckin grass though.

i haven't felt quite "what the fuck is today" as much as tonight. after having to sit aside during the domestic quarrel of these two where name asks me very politely " could you sit outside for just a moment, where i put myself out into the cold so that two strangers can clock me as a street slut attending to the cocaine whims of some "harrry".. uhh.. yeah that happened ok, sis- i was going to call you dude- at least my internal dialog insisted on that sort of lingo.. ugh, i odn't know i really thought i'd be more comfortable with name calling me "him" this entire time. but i've genuinely just sort of outgrown that, haven't i? it's hard being confornted with your past, especially for someone so embedded in it.. name hasn't let go of any of it yet. and for that he gets to keep all the niceties of family stability and the safetynet of a group of people that want him to succeed- whatever definitions of that they have for it. oh, well..

i didn't get to talk about the days of why yet. arriving staying the night, getting fucking wasted, getting tortured and getting sweet; the last night was weird, sitting down to write the beginning of that last log entry only for name and name "mom & dad" to sit there and talk about how great the camp has been for me to take my laptop aside and swallow how bitter i felt about being left out of the party.. fuck i was pathetic. i could've just kept my sorry ass out of their discussions.. they really didn't have to see me fake-weep for a moment, only to make it clear that i was kind of jealous of name all this time, but i didn't wanna voice it like, it' s nice that name's been up to all these shenanigans with the attribute girls all this time, but she knows none of them are going to appreciate the category theory or linalg humor in the way thtat i do. maybe that's the point, though.. i haven't really been doing that either, so in a sense she's just going for the next best thing, someonw that unapologetically doesn't actually care for that sort of in-depth in-joke, it's sort of human, but i feel evil and disgusting for leaving her in a position such as that just because i felt too petty to tell her how i felt- ahrharharh gaagfgar why am i talking about fucking name again. {don't curse her out, dumbass.. you know exactly why she means so much to you, the last thing you should be doing is cursing- y'know just take it at your pace, if you think it's clearly communicating that so difficult for you, of course practice couldn't make it any better fucking retard} pff

name. name. name's attribute mate. what a fucking steal. absorbed into rhythm games, absolutely a emotional handgranade, that girl could throw molotovs like it's nobody's business. (actually that's genuinely- wwwwwwwwell criminals have businesses; of course they do that's why there's organized and spurious crime. organized crime is just the type that's usually not quite looked down upon.. why might that be huh.. since middle management can't profit from it?) name called me " the full package" she told me multiple times that i'm awesome, and honestly she looked as though she just wanted me to take her. as in kiss her, tell her that things are going to be alright to dump her ex and fuck oh my god i hate lal of this why are tere so many people i have such strong feelings for this is fucking insane i can't fucking take this anymore someone just make their minds up about me because it's tearing me to shreads, if people lay their hearts bare to me out of nowhere like that i'm going to break at some point, it's just not alright- i.. {what can't you deal with the fac t that they won't place a losing bet on someone like you? you know exactly that your life isn't worth shit. they worth isn't well invested in something like you, no insurance is brain-dead enough to support a loan to fund you, nor someone "brave" enough to waste their savings into you for more than a few weeks, let alone a lifetime to spend with someone so fucking myopic so STUPID as to spend that time with you.} — ok, you live in the braces, and honestly i don't know how to- i don't feel i have to deal with you most of the time, but today you seem extraordenarily spiteful, so let me humor you. every kind of greasy guy that has pushed their wallet in my face has usually done so after giving me a skared and shaken hug. one of fright, a sense of getting to hug a ghost.. something transient.. maybe all of these people are just insecure about themselves {oh you think so, sweetie?} , shut the fuck up. yeah that could be it, but a lot of them just seem genuinely sweet in a multidimensional way they usually have the need to point out about other girls and other "gurls".. *hurl*.. {yeah, real nice going there tiger, you got some chasers to tell you you're much better because you've got some past being a guy}..

thanks there lilith, go back to hell.

chocolate fondue. torture shibari.
attribute zig haters, touchable tummies.
convincing villains,

whatever i'll get the rest of that line tomorrow probably in between climbing a few insane boulders- oh yeah, was it clear that i'm writing this because i can't fucking sleep, my insomnia is getting to me and i don't quite know hwy.. maybe it's the anxiety of wtching a domestic, or maybe it's just being in an unfamiliar space for this long, i really don't know how to deal with the location like this.. it's insane how muhch has been afforded to me just for my existance, or that they've been looking after my virtue change i don't know why i actually insist on it, but it's been nice seeing somebody care.. i feel fucking aweful that i stil haven't visited name or name and instead ended up in location smoking weed with a bunch of people i haven't seen in- y'know what this is something to celebrate i shouldn't be talking down on seeing some title, they mean a lot to me and nothing should change that, no matter if there was a real covid risk if i traveled back when i said i would, i should've done this either way.

tomorrow activity, tonight sleep.
fuck you, bitch.

ok, maybe i won't sleep quite yet. i got my ticket form name at 2:00.. i really didn't expect it, even if in retrospect i neither really needed the ticket nor a proper justification to arrive.. most people were still kind of happy about hearing me explain to them the sort of circumstances that lead to me arriving, it was kind of cute. i didn't expect for name to abuse, or for him to send me his actual fucking abuse place, or for him to be fine with all of this when i ended up here even longer with covid and all.. maybe his days were a lot more tame and boring than he made them out to be and he realy just wants the little fucking living house-fire back.. i need to talk this over with name sometime.. i know that she's not going to have juge objections with what i'm doing .. but the moment i go hard on "sis, he's a fucking chaser, don't you understand? he puts out on me by the fucking truckload, this ain't okay" maybe she's willing to change her mind." {ugh, what are you on about? he's just an another fucking pawn, bitch} yeah, you're really convincing there, buddy~

i actually didn't expect to be served food @location the vegan bread was fucking awesome.. even the vegan cheese was bareable, but fuck.. i couldn't just starve {you could've dumbass. you definitely could've} it was the last day, there wasn't anymore vegan cheese around and i really felt like eating something before going on my trip out- fine..