25
07
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yesterday i arrived to my things packed into my military backpack, the one given
to me by name. i plan to arrive with it at place and stow
it away in his basement. i spent today activity in place,
with 3d glasses in blacklit rooms. neon shirts really spiced that up.
i broke my virtue vow fetish before activity
with name. getting back my ability to write code creatively as a
form of expression is hard work, musical motifs play in my head distracting
me from documentation and papers, but it's been fulfilling. i hope i'm not
only diving to the depths to escape how much the adverse events in my life
should really be affecting me.
a pro-con chart of items that enumerate qualities of my character as seen
from name's perspective decorates the wall. titled "kicking
name out" it has far more pros than cons. when i arrived home she
fell to her side on the couch, i really didn't know how to feel about that
after activity-
i hadn't expanded on that yet.
in place i had checked whether or not name would arrive to
name's group to activity in place, since she had invited
me days before she had informed me that she had fallen sick and that she
wouldn't be able to attend, in her exhaustion. my immediate thought wasn't
actually to be sad that she hadn't been able to come along -honestly, i was
releived- but instead i tried to squeeze out an admission that she ought
have told me that she fell sick earlier since her symptoms where already
waning at this point. so had traveled to the wrong business because
of her information only for name to correct my directions before
i would've been disasterously late.
i enjoyed my time with name, name (who later bit
name), name (tall blond with a sexy six-pack), and
name (a software engineer, who seemed to enjoy giving me pointers
on how to climb and appeared surprisingly motherly, maternal) i wasn't
particularily good, but didn't drag behind at all either. i managed a route
which appeared surprisingly tricky a pink 4 or 6 and cooly slid to a hold
which even got name to audibly yelp on my behalf. i'm proud of that.
after activity and perceiving a relatively heavy mood after
name & name's rough-housing went awry, we ended up in
the business down the road. there name apologized
for having spent so little time with me specifically, and i reassured her
that she had no obligation to do so. that i felt it too many times that i
would have to be the match-maker, and that me simply being able to perceive
the group dynamics was fun enough and that honestly i was getting along well
enough in my opinion~ (wtf tilde??)
name, who also drove us to the business drove us
to our business and i was privy to a cute alter of name,
she meowed lowdly which i didn't reciprocate. honestly i don't reciprocate
anything. fucking hell am i contrarian. for her that really shouldn't be too
surprising.. she seems to play that character in front of her friends too..
then i arrived home after walking there from business, a treck i spent
playing the normal album at myself on repeat. honestly, i arrived at home and
did not want to engage with a sad name. "a sad name",
as though the happy name is a different person, what the fuck am i
on about? i didn't want to engage with name, truly i had expected
and would've appreciated for her to be asleep, so i could do so myself-
ohwho am i fucking kidding, i wanted the couch to myself so i could jack
off and maybe get around to writing some more, but instead she sat there
and it disturbed me. i hadn't noticed the packed items or my bag at all,
i didn't enter the room far enough for me to do so, otherwise i would have
seen the whiteboard too.. i just sat my sore body down after removing my shoes
debating to myself whether or not i should eat or shower. when she exited the
livingroom and became aware of my disposition i made a dismissive, distrought,
and symbolic gesture and left into the bathroom to wash myself. i was insulted
by the lack of hygene aperell and had to soap myself with hand-soap.
only after drying up and entering the livingroom again hoping that
name simply had gone to sleep did i notice that my things
were neatly packed - i am getting sad i keep thinking i don't wa nt to be
depressed - *sigh*. she was crying, but she was already crying when
i had arrived. she had sent me signal messages.
"oh, i understand. i'll take it tomorrow."
"ich versteh gerade gar nichts"
"LASS UNS LIEBER SCHREIBEN"
she cried more.
when i had clothed myself in underwear and a shirt i unpacked my
charger to revive my dead phone which was the reason i had to treck all the
way from that business anyway and she had posited me her charger which i
answered with upsetness - i'm listening to rap and it's surprisingly jamming,
let me just fuck through it - so i sat down closer to name on
her couch. i managed to overwhelm her by entertaining her, it's not that i do
that on purpose- well, i don't know what my motivation is but when people are
willing to respond i don't know why i wouldn't do it.. well at some point i
interrupted one of her replies with a "what reaction did you expect with that
action" whilst pointing at the bag. which immediately made her cry again. in
that moment i was reminded of my father doing something similar, interrupting
my responses to questions he would pose with things- obligations i stil had
to fulfil. huh.. i managed to convince her to detailed abuse. i
convinced myself name will pay for anything.. i don't know if i
should really exploit that as much as i have.
the last line should be here; every time i get to say recency bias, i feel as though life rhymes, and i hate every time i accidently rhyme.. i want to do so deliberately, i want to make other people feel dejavu and relinquish myself of it.
i am disturbed by dejavu.
name this thursday.