25
07
06

name

fuck you. i pulled the wool over your head. are you disgusted yet? i lie so naturally, your surprise is warranted.

"ich hab's echt nicht erwartet." ja, bist du vielleicht auch einfach dämlich?

i haven't managed shit. i wasn't forced to do anything, i managed to simply go on doing exactly what i was before.

you mean nothing to me. you're nothing but another thing to make laugh and die.

why does it all have to be so exhausting, why do i insist on rewriting the last few seconds. why can't i just fucking live with myself for once? why can't i be happy what stops me from saying the things on my mind? every comma i miss every time i misspeak every stupid fucking stutter and pause i don't think i just writhe

RELIEF

when i had ever felt relieved as a child, it was not because people understood why i had something reprehensible because i reasoned it to them. rather, i had managed to sell them a lie. a lie which let me forego punishment, one that could shift the blame on something vague, on someone else.

a lie which was more comfortable, more real than the truth. one they would defend on my behalf. such that they could die on my hills rather than convince themselves that i was as reprehensible as my actions

the sweetest part was, that that was true reprieve. an achievement, fooling adults, having a peer prove their friendship. incomparable to when i'd be forced to defend myself, framed and had to convince them of the "truth". that could only end in living up to expectations or disappointment when they ignored evidence.

no, honey. i was born to make up reality. to abuse the innocent and gullible. cage them

hate me as i do. i promise this isn't one of those lies~ haven't grown up and likely won't.

TOLERANCE

it disgusts me how circular a paradox of tolerance plays out in my mind. not only because i "understand" others, but i "understand" myself before i've finished talking.

oh, what pity it would be for someone to get hurt! an even greater shame if that was someone other than myself! but at least we've learnt to tolerate. not appreciate, not celebrate, but tolerate. don't make an example of something, don't place things on pedestals, don't alienate, don't you dare.

god. fucking. dammit. we messed each other up