25
02
17
name's little moans into my ears still ring through my
passive thoughts, her frail build and her awkward postures
entertain my subconcious. i'm unsure if i hold her at an
arms length, but don't quite mind if she's doing the same with me.
therein lies the point, doesn't it though? i do expect people to
do at me the same as i do to them... do they really?
i hope to a degree that maybe people do actually just exercise proper sincerity and that that sincerity is actually reciprocated in a way that makes it worth it.
our little bouts about media were fun, i wished i could recall characters
and plot points as fluently as she did. but i guess i can always try
another time. another time.. next thursday, in two days that other time
would come.. the effort to actually drive all the way
back to place from place makes me seem desperate.. is that bad?
she did the same for at the end, she even kissed me
on the cheek. SHE KISSED ME, why am i acting like a teenager? d
i just want that sort of feeling again? neither of us have our lives
together to any degree, would be -
what am i talking about...
i want the vice, her soft lips, her thin and tender skin..
her adorable riddler laugh, her insights into media
her criticisms of it. i want someone i don't need to
pose to convince them of engaging
with a piece of media. sie fetish!
was kann man denn da noch weiter erwarten? sie ist perfekt..
i don't know if i should talk to her about whether or not she'll figure out sleeping on my behalf. i don't know if it's wise to let her know that i would be reliant on her to make sure i would be able to rest comfortably. maybe she infers that if i am desperate enough that i would disregard my well-being to see her.
do things need to be complicated? as complicated as they could be? or can they be simple, even as simple as they are? i feel bad about not having written back to her about how much fun she had, i feel - or know - that what i've written (a little quip about making her moan) is too little.
"death threats are love language" "i try my best, thank you- even if
> after watching me perform my fetish
- she attempts to as well, takes good input on where to place her feet
and arms, whereto bend her elbows, etc..
"i can't rely on others in that way" in reply to how name's motherly attempts
to quit me from disease. this note is largely about name up until now but it's likely
valuable to still record my opinions about my disease, and how it's
affecting my friends. name and name know me as a disease, they don't feel they have the
right to tell me to stop, they know that i share that opinion.. i don't know to what
degree name hopes that name manages to make me stop, it might be interesting to ask him.
i don't know if i have much more to say on their behalf, or even about my disease,
i could muse here and finally record the various rationalizations as to why i think
i can justify the vice, but with so many stupid habits i have, those are post-op
and not their original motivations. whether or not those existed at all is for "the reader"
to decide.
i need to make sure that wasn't the last time i got to cuddle - shmooze as i put
it in the quip - name. "sure" might not be the right way to put it, i just w- YEAH I JUST WANT
IT AGAIN. THERE IS THAT ENOUGH MOTIVATION? it's no post-hoc rationalization, it's
my current state of being, it's how i feel right now. i can post-hoc rationalize why i
yearn to feel her again, the prior "qualia" of having touched her, how nice and comforting
it was to finally grab at her. to know that she enjoyed it just as much- well i don't know
- well, i can hope. telling her to lean forwards so that i could massage her shoulders and
back, talking about how she passively erases experiences from her working memory, or rather
that experiences are something she needs to actively process to capture..
i'm enamoured. i want to chat with her more.
before venturing to location i dreamt of two things: a humanity which studied archiving,
and many approaches for XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX.
the many ways XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX.